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Sarah
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So... I read this book last night, two in fact.
(That's what happens when you have laryngitus and can't sleep through coughing so much!)
Anyway, these books I read, I bought at soul survivor.
I was looking for a book to help a friend, and stumbled across these books instead.
I felt kinda convicted to buy them, which is wierd, cause I don't like buying books for myself, unless they're from a charity shop. But anyway...
I'm not going where I want to go with this...
I'm not going to tell you what the books are called, or what they are about.
I just wanted to write this note, cause I was severely affected by what I read.
They were both books that would help me with my life, to cope with things I've been through.
So, at soul survivor, I really felt the Holy Spirit move in me. Not in the way I feared he might, but in a gentle way. I believe God gave me the kick up the butt I needed.
So yeah... The books. They were books that I felt ashamed to buy. I felt a great sense of guilt.
I hid the books in the bottom of my case while I was there, and under my bed when I got home.
I was feeling ashamed of what has happened to me, of the fact I wasn't coping, of the fact I needed to buy books to help me through it.
Reading these books last night changed that. I don't feel ashamed anymore.
Ok, so I don't know if I should do this, but I'm going to, cause I feel it might help someone, somehow.
I no longer feel ashamed about my self harming, I have come to know that, although a sin, I don't need to be ashamed!
It is a sin, just like adultary, murder, stealing etc. etc. but it is no worse a sin than any other.
I used to feel so guilty about my scars. I'd damaged what God has given me, I'd shown no gratitude to him for what he'd given in making me.
I used to feel that self harm was the worst sin, because it was intentional harm to God's creation. It showed hate of what he had created, because yes, I have hated myself for years.
Every scar was a new punch in the face for God.
Now, I'm proud. I'm proud of them, cause I've got through it!
My scars show a story... (Cheesy, but true)
I believe that it was wrong to hurt myself, but I can't feel guilty forever.
Just like someone who lies, who has been in prison, who has taken drugs, who has slept around etc. I have been forgiven!
I can't change the past, but I can change the future!
Ok, back to Soul Survivor, and the kick up the butt...
It hurt, I'll tell you that. It hurt so much I cried for what seemed like hours!
I'll tell you what happened... We were at the first morning meeting. I'd listened to what had been said, and yes it touched me a bit, but I wasn't really listening to that. I was sat there all the meeting bargaining with God.
I wanted him to show me why he'd let me go through what I have. I said to him, give me one clear reason, and I'll forgive you!
Yes, I felt I needed to forgive God.
Anyway, he was giving me the reason, the reason was, because he loves me.
I felt overwhelmed with his love that day, but by the next day, I was back to arguing with Him.
I had woken up feeling unwell. I had a migraine, and people who know what I'm like when I have a migraine, know that I get very irritable and angry.
I was angry at God that day.
I shouted at him, from my heart. I told him how much I hated him for letting me go through what I've been through. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. I told him, loving him hurt just far too much.
That's when he spoke to me again.
Hurting is ok. I mean, everyone knows that.
But when it's a secret that is hurting you, when it's something you are ashamed to talk about, then it's hard to express how you are hurting.
Noone really knows what i've been through, even my sister. I've told a few of my friends, My parents know, but the majority of people don't know.
(I'm sorry if at this point you feel hurt I haven't told you. It's not that I haven't wanted to tell you, I just haven't had the strength to do so, or I knew it would hurt you so I could tell you.)
Ok, so I have been feeling hurt, but I've had to hide it, because the reason for that hurt just doesn't make sense, unless you hear the whole story.
The whole story is not one I'm able to share with just anyone.
those of you who I have shared it with, I have to apologise to. I'm not sorry I told you. I'm not sorry I've worried you. I am sorry though, because I know I've been dishonested!
Those times when people ask, "How are you?" or "Alright?" but don't really want to know the answer, they annoy me, but when people ask, and reallly want to know, that annoys me even more.
How can I tell you the truth, when the truth is it hurts so much I want to die? Not easy is it. So yeah, I'm sorry. I've lied to alot of you alot of times. When you've asked if I'm ok, often the answer was no. I've lied to you.
Self harm makes it like that. It makes your life one big lie.
Anyway. I got to a point where I felt ashamed that I was hurting, cause I knew that when I was hurting, I was lying. So then I stopped showing I was hurrting. I shut all my hurt inside, and lied some more about how I was feeling.
Anyway, at Soul survivor, the kick up the butt God gave me was this. He let me cry, in front of everyone, he let me sob and sob for hours.
That first morning, when I was barganing with him, I cried a little bit. As I left the Main tent, I felt God saying to me, that's just a taster. I tell you something. He was right. The evening meeting I cried so hard. I don't know how long I was crying for, I don't know how I started crying. I do know, it was my gift from God. I could finally let out the hurt.
Anyway. The books. I am glad I bought them. They were the help I've wanted for ages, but was scared to admit I needed. They gave me the answers to all my questions, and now I know God's reason for what happened. It's just like he told me.
He did it cause he loves me!
I know this probably makes no sense to you if you read this, but I just needed to tell the world.
I've been hurt, alot, I've hidden that hurt. I've lied because of that hurt, I've hurt myself becasue of that hurt. I've hated God because of that hurt, I didn't understand how he could let it happen.
Both books I read last night, though about toally different things, gave me the same answer to that question...
I believe He lets us get hurt becasue He loves us. He wants us to trust him, not man, and so He gave men free will, so they could hurt people if they want to. He doesn't stop them, because if he did, we wouldn't need him to help us. He wouldn't be able to show us his power.
He lets us suffer on earth, because he has something better for us in store. Eternity bathing in his love...
He does everything he does, because He loves us!
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